unusual you.

this week has been quite the week. i started my new job on tuesday and im sure i screwed up royaly. i know i did on wednesday, but i think im getting better. this week has also been stressful with trying to get things done. i need to get like 2 assignments in for both science and math. i think when i get my sheets in for math, i should have a 65% and that means i can exempt that shit! next semester i dont know what i want to exempt. i am really stressed about when i have to work. lululemon opened today and we tryed to get in, but it was hella busy and they were only letting in 20 people at a time -_-. but i had fun. i hope i didnt talk stevies and raeannes ears off =/ lol. ugh, i still need to go see twilight. blah, i work @ dynasty tomorrow. at least i get paid. and i have to put in my two weeks. that shall be fun shit. i am so freaking excited for tuesday. circus comes out and im pretty sure thats when blue bloods III comes out too. i will have 2 books on the go. well i was going to try and see twilight tonight, but that didnt happen. i will probably have to go on a school night or something when i have no homework and when im not working. if i work on sunday, then i will be working with hannah and jessica! but i hope hannah doesnt leave and talk to people. i hate people who do that. fuck slackers. i am constantly working my ass off at work. i think im getting better at counting money! and there havent been many complainers. except for maybe 3 so far. and all i have to say about you is hahahahahhahaha. everyone is so sleepy in my house tonight. im thinking i will head to bed at about 9. so i can read some more and stuff like that. okay so i kinda like a guy at work. i think thats a bad thing. fuck i dont like it when i like guys. it makes me feel weird inside. like obsessive. i want to be one of those old ladys who is alone in a mobile house. and make cookies and read all day. i want to be like my grandma! i love her. i should see her again asap. tell her i got a new job. hopefully i can keep this one for a few months. i think i need to pick myself up. and get to it.

im just fine since i have been without you.

so yesterday was kind of a slum. im pretty sure i failed my math test. i fucking blanked halfway though it. but work yesterday was fun. i was the "run-arounder". i sat maybe like 2 groups of 2. the one couple were awesome. the guy had dreads and was really nice to me =). and today shouldnt be so bad except for the wind, and i have a funny feeling it is going to be really busy today. yesterday was soooo slow. it was boring. but, i did get my third book that came out on tuesday. im on chapter 3. i should do some reading right now. but i am going to eventually be going out later. but i should still read it. i get to stay at a hotel with my dad tonight. it should be interesting. blah, i have some stupid homework this weekend. stupid science teacher is crazy. lol, supposedly he has a new girlfriend. i started to lol when he said something about girlfriend. that wont last long. hahhahaha.

well it aint no surprise.

lately i have been feeling like complete and udder shit. this weekend hasnt been the greatest and christmas is coming up. i have no idea what to get anybody. i wish i could move out of my house because i have had enough of what goes on here and what my mom tells XXXX (i really dont want to say the name). people tell me that i am important and they love me but its so hard to believe. they are just empty words. i feel like i have to try harder then everybody else. its hard for me just to do anything when im having a hard time. like none of my friends know what im going through and they just say you have such a good life. well you dont know my past life or my life behind closed doors so shut the fuck up. and it feels like everyone is talking behind my back. sometimes i can see why people do things.
> isnt everybody a little bit hypocritical?

standing in the way of control.

i want to go to a place where no one knows me. i want to start all over. i need to change my attitude i just need to change everything. i want to forget about everything that has happened to me and start new. but where i am at now, that isnt going to happen. if my loved ones are going west, i want to go east. if they are going north, i want to go south. just me being here makes me unhappy and reminds me of everything negative that has ever happened. i want to go and do things that i have always wanted to do. i feel weighed down like i have people standing in my way from what i wish to do. but i am always afraid of rejection. sometimes i feel that the only person who is standing in the way of control, is me.